I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
