just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
