I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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