Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
