moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize