i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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