Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
