So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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