I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
