Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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