There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
