in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
tonight lets celebrate not being married
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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