the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
