so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
