Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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