You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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