Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My ATM looks so different sober.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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