You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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