I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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