There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
