I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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