Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
