Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize