I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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