My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
