My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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