Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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