Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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