omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just cropdusted the office
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
