I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
