12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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