So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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