Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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