You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
