maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
