You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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