TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
