you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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