Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
