So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My ass is underappreciated
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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