Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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