Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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