I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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