were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You made out with two different species that night
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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