i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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