I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
