No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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