I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
