I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
