I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
