I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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