I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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