fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she looked like the before picture.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
