i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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