I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
