Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
