we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
