Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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