I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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