my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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